Refocusing Grief

First of all, I would like to mention the difference between saddness and depression since there is a huge misconseption about them:

1. Depression: Caused from chemical reasons (neurotrasmitter or hormonal issues, side effect of medications). Depression can NOT be resolved with any amount of positive-attitude or will-power. Depression does not corespond with unfortunate events or situations. It can only be fixed by correcting the chemical problem. (I've only experienced this once in my life: 9 days of my first pregnancy, which my psychologist determined to be caused by a bad drug combination reaction. It was HORRIBLE!)

2. Sadness: Caused by unfortunate situations or events. Can be corrected with a positive attitude.

There have been a few people who have commented to me lately on the fact that I seem to be doing fine after my recent traumatic event. I think yesterday (when another friend made the same comment) I figured out why I seem to be doing so well: I have refocused all of my saddness and frustration and used that energy towards my huge/impossible goal of aquiring money for surrogacy. To be honest, I think I'm a little TOO focused on my new goal and I'm becoming a little over-the-top obessive about it (I lay awake at night trying to think of ways I can make money that doesn't involve neglecting my children).

Yesterday when I figured all of this out I told my friend my theory and she commented that she has a brother who is a psychologist and that is what he tells his patients to do to get out of deep depression: create a new goal and work hard towards it.
It sure seems to be working well for me. I'd rather be obsessive about my impossible goal than be watering my pillow every night and moaping around.

I was thinking about all of this while running this morning and it made me remember a nurse I once worked with. In a matter of 3 years she had 2 very traumatic events occur. First, her sister never came home from school one day. They never found her and never had any leads. Secondly, a year into her marriage she was cooking dinner in the kitchen with her husband when he droppped dead. She was an ICU nurse so she knew exactly what to do to help, but nothing worked and she lost her husband. After the second traumatic event us coworkers started noticing that this nurse was working a lot of extra shifts. Also, she became extremely fit. She was refocusing all of her grief and putting it into her job and into exercise. 2 years later she met someone else and apparently she wasn't grieving as much because she toned down her working and exercise.
I'd say that it wasn't unhealthy for this nurse friend of mine to do this. It is better than over-eating and laying in bed crying all day or losing her job by not going to work. Yes, it was a little over-the-top for a while (she was worknig 7 days a week!) but it got her through it.

So, the take-home message of this blog is: If you find yourself in a very difficult, sad situation (not be be confused with depression), find yourself a goal and work hard towards it. It will get you through until happier times come.

Proud parents... obviously

Having done two music videos by now for Kiera by the time she completed the stage of life that Lydia's currently in, we felt the tradition to carry it on for Lydia would only be appropriate. It's real fun, anyone can make these on their own computer. I'll warn you the video is 7:24 long;

however if you have the time, grab some popcorn and enjoy looking back at Lydia's best moments up to now of her short-legged life that were caught on camera.

*Double click on the video screen to see it in the larger format

Glorified RN babysitter

I've landed myself what I consider to be a totally sweet job. I am a registered nurse but I have not worked in 4 years since I've been either pregnant and therefore disabled, or caring for my young'ins. It took my a little while to find this job because I wasn't willing to work if it meant being away from my girls much as they are still my first priority.

I've now "worked" 2 days of my new job. I am a private nurse for 9 year-old boy who is fed through both an IV and a feeding tube. I manage these tubes (something that I'm expert at since I've had both done on myself recently) and give a few medicines and that is it. For the rest of the day I'm a glorified babysitter. I read him books, play Monopoly, chat with his mom, etc. Totally easy job. Oh, and it is flexible. I tell them which days and hours I work. It doesn't get better than this!

Earthquakes a plenty

Last Saturday we had 3 earthquakes. We've had 2 so far today. I hear that that these milder (3-5) earthquakes can be pre-shocks for a bigger one. Well that is motivation to get my water storage! I recently had complete water storage, but the big 5 gallon containers of spring water i bought from the grocery story leaked everywhere in my daughters closet and make everything mildew. I just barely finished cleaning up the mess this week. Time to get more water. Otherwise, I feel pretty prepared.

Favorite Olympian-- check her out!

Noelle Pikus-Pace was my best friend in 5th grade. I haven't had much association with her since then (besides facebook), but I'm super excited she is going to be in the Olympic this year and not only that she is expected to win gold. I think it is ironic that this is 1 of only 2 pictures I have of the 2 of us together : )



Check out her sad/amazing story below (the intro on Utah is sortof obnoxious, but the rest of it is good).

Wants now vs. Want the most

This has become the new theme of my life lately: Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want the most.


That said, we've been pinching pennies lately and plan on doing so for a while. Here are some ways I've found to cut some expenses:

#1: Food storage. We are using it and it is saving us $. Last week I decided to do an experiment and I made powdered-milk chocolate milk and gave it too my family without telling them what it was. All 3 of them drank it without hesitation. In fact, Lydia (18 months) thus far has NEVER drank any milk product in a sippy cup (she spits it out if she discovers milk in a sippy). But she drank the powdered milk just fine and even objected when I took it away! I think we are going to try drinking half regular milk and half powdered milk and see how it goes. Without the chocolate it isn't as drinkable though.
I've also been cooking a lot with my powdered milk, eggs and butter. This is EASY and you really can't taste a difference in baked goods.
Dry beans is also a recent discovery. Cheap, nutritious, not hard to cook if you have a pressure cooker.


#2: My new beautician: Steve. I wanted to eliminate the $18 I had to spend on hair cuts every 6 weeks since it is a non-mandatory expense. I've been cutting Kiera's hair for a while so I decided to teach Steve (on Kiera) how to cut hair.

I'd say he did a fairly good job for a first timer. Yes, it has room for improvement, but it was FREE and I think he'll do better next time.

It is amazing how many ways you can find to cut expenses if you try and it is also amazing to see how much you really didn't need those things you are missing out on in the first place.

Sick days

For the past few days my girls have been sick (Kiera worse than Lydia). We've done a ton of watching TV (something I don't normally promote). Even when Lydia was feeling better she enjoyed being by her big sister while she watched TV. I guess she just missed her since she wasn't playing because normally Lydia is way too busy to watch TV. Cute.

2 nights ago Kiera had a temperature of 104.5 and I was patting her down with a wet cloth. She just kept crying/moaning "mommy". It was, of course, very difficult to so difficult to see the little girl I love so much in such a sick state. They I started thinking about all of the orphans in Haiti who are probably sick and who don't have their mommy and who don't understand what is going on. And then I started thinking about all the little people who were buried in the rubble and I had to stop myself because it was too terrible to think about.

I just have to say that I'm grateful for modern medicine, grateful to live in the USA, and grateful for my family's safety. We really are fortunate and blessed.